Melancholyonthemorningafter.

They tell me I am done here, but I feel I was just getting started.

Commencement yesterday was a surprising gamut of emotions, spurred not least of all by the gamut of people that you walk through on the Hill. That experience was one of the coolest of my life, and it went much too quickly. A day that started with me just wanting to get it over without any hassle became a day that I didn't want to end.

As I said the other night, I did not feel emotional at all this week when I thought about myself and graduation; it was always when I thought about others when I felt that wondrous mixture of excitement & sadness. When I thought about the connection that my friends have to KU, that it has changed their lives in ways that I cannot understand now, but hopefully will soon (which is not to say that KU has not changed my life, but that I think it is on a different level):

Jeff and Michelle and the five years and a lifetime they've spent loving this place, even if it does get on their last nerve sometimes. Tom and the idealism that in his time here has been replaced by a determined focus which, though tempered by experience, will get him everywhere he wants to go. Anna and the wonderful collection of achievements and awards she has racked up in her time here, mere symbols of a KU career like few others; hell, her attitude and friendship alone is deserving of a Chancellor's award.

My parents stayed here last night before leaving early, so I just stayed here too and talked to them. And it was early on in the evening that I realized just why I was feeling so melancholy about this day that was supposed to be so redundant: I kinda feel cheated. Not on the education, mind you, or the opportunities I have had, or even on the people I have met as they have been absolutely amazing, each of them. But I wish I had met more, that I had pulled an all-nighter, that I had been able to share my one staggeringly drunk night with somebody, that I had ordered more pizzas at 1:30am and not given a damn the next day when I try to work out.

Sheesh, for a guy who is not even leaving yet I am certainly being melodramatic. I know everybody has their own KU experience, and that none is typical or ideal for any other. But to be honest, all week I could not help but feel a certain sense of envy for the fraternity and sorority members; for four years they have lived with each other, and done more for each other than I could imagine. The seniors come in as a class in themselves, and to be in a position where you can always have that core group there, no matter what, must be amazing. I have one of those myself, but it came across by sheer accident, coincidence that my upstairs neighbors just happen to be the greatest people in the world, or that the president of the KU Dems was in one of my first classes here at KU. For the Greeks, those ties are forged in a different manner, but it is the same result: a collection of wonderful individuals who make up the tapestry of KU that we will always remember. I cannot imagine living with a group of people for four years and sharing everything with them, only to break up and leave within the span of a week. Perhaps it is not as abrupt as that, but everything else is: you walk down the Hill and then the line of people ends; you're drinking that first glass of champagne and then it empties; you go to bed not wanting to lose this feeling, but the next morning comes.

That morning is now, and I am in a position unlike almost any other student here: I get a free year. No graduation or degree requirements (just the classes I want), no fretting about what comes next (that will all get sorted out in due time, so why worry), no more doe-eyed look like I still just stepped off the bus. This is my year to do with whatever I wish, and I wish do a lot, starting first and foremost with taking this most wonderful, most beautiful yearbook ever out of my head and putting it on paper for all the world to see.



And for your enjoyment, from one of my most favorite songs ever, 'Strange Condition' by Pete Yorn, from his album ... wait for it ... Musicforthemorningafter. =)

And it’s a strange condition,
A day in prison,
It’s got me out of my head
And I don’t know what I came for.

Send me the money, baby,
Do not leave out the wage.
You know you’re the best thing ever
To come out of this place,